Saturday, November 6, 2010

Missing Him Dearly...

Well I'm not one that is big on emotions, I don't like to cry or for people to feel sorry for me. So when I found out my grandpa's cancer had come back and this go round seemed a lot worse you can bet I had a ton of emotions going on. Around that same time I also started my new job. So not only was I sad that I wasn't able to be with Austin all day anymore but now I had to take my thoughts and sadness about my grandpa to a new job. I did great with hiding it. It did help that my job keeps me super busy and half the time I wasn't thinking about the cancer until lunch when it all was quiet again and my thoughts were able to take over.

After hearing that my grandpa had two weeks left to live... it really didn't set in until I went to visit with him. I was close to my grandparents. I would stay with them weeks at a time during the summer. They are awesome loving and christian people. Grandpa always had a smile and something funny to say. He was great to my grandmother. Even after 64 years of being together you could still see the love like they were newlyweds. I admire them and respect them both so much.

I had a good visit with them in West Virgina, he wanted all the grand kids and great grand kids to come see him so we made it happen. It was hard to really get a good visit because I still had Austin to chase down and Landon wasn't able to go with me. I had alot of help from others to keep track of Austin but it still was hard. Every opportunity I had I tried to sit with my grandpa and even if we didn't talk I just wanted be there with him. He was total exhausted that weekend and didn't do much talking or getting up. And that's when it all hit me.

If my grandpa passes away this will be the first person in my life that I was close with and that  I will lose. After arriving home I struggled with that and tried to process what was going on. A few weeks later we got the news. I of course was in the pediatrician office with Austin while he was screaming and being horrible. Some how I had it together and then dealt with it the best I could. So then the next visit back up to WV was for a funeral. I took off work and Landon came with me and this time Austin's gramme's watch him while I went to WV.

The funeral was lovely. They had a slide show and even at the funeral all my family still had smiles on and tried to make the best out of a horrible situation. My grandmother looked good and she seemed ok. It was pitiful seeing her at the casket looking down upon the man she had spent most of her life with and to know that soon he would be god. I ached for her and my heart broke. We all made it through that weekend and it was great being around family. We all made each other stronger and we all knew that grandpa was with God and we all took comfort in that. Now I know that my grandpa is healthy and looking down on me and all the family. It brings some comfort but I still cant believe it sometimes...I miss him dearly.

This was when Austin was 6 months :)

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